It's been 730 days since he left here

It's been 730 days since he left here and I have no idea how I have survived these last 2 years without him. I really didn't think that I would survive.
On this 2 year mark of the date that he died, I really want to spend it thinking about all the days that he lived. I have spent enough time thinking about his death. I have been over every detail of that day thousands of times but it's his life that brings me out of that tail spin.
My closet is still set up with all of the things that are related to Mikey. Haley calls it my shrine and she laughs because the letter 'M' is everywhere in my room. She laughs because she knows I can't pass up buying another one when I see them. I cant, it's almost impossible. I don't see myself taking any of his stuff down anytime soon either.
Seeing his face, his stuff, it makes me not feel crazy even though it makes me appear that way. His face is just so familiar. When I see his eyes even just in photographs, it soothes me. Seeing his videos have probably helped me the most. I suggest you take as many videos as you can of your cat's because in the end, they really do help.
It's been such a long time already and I want to say it's gone by fast but that would be a lie. Some days feel like they last all week, especially when I'm really down about him. It's been the longest 2 years of my life because every day is one more day that I haven't seen him.
But I'm here.
I'm still plugging along.
I drag myself out of bed most days but I get out of that damn bed.
Most of those days, I just want to hide but I don't. I get dressed and I do what I have to do for the day even through the tears and all the excuses I try to come up with to stay in my room.
I wish I could bring him back.
I wish he never left.
But he did leave and he is gone.
Of course he is still with me, he will always be with me because he is a part of who I am. I grew into this person that I am today because of him. He made me strong, because he was so brave.
And I swear I just felt him get up on my bed, no shit! As I was typing this I felt something behind me , like a walking cat but when I looked there was no one there.
Oh, but there was someone there.
Because I know in my heart that he would never really leave me.
I think that's what actually keeps me going.
There are some friendships in this life, in any life, that will stand the test of time no matter how long it has been. There is just a bond that cannot be broken, not even in death. Our friendship could never die.
The last two years have been very painful but I've learned so much. Mikey was my security for so long and it's crazy that I would lean so much on him but I did. I needed him. I took everything that I was missing in my life back then and allowed Mikey to fill that void. He did it so well and it helped me to heal because I really needed him to hold.
I still reach for him though, on those nights when my dreams get the best of me and it's difficult when I realize he is no longer here. I have found though, if I close my eyes during those moments, I can still feel him here and it's enough to get me back to sleep and onto the morning.
Then I chalk up, another night without him that I have survived. I feel guilty sometimes for being able to survive without him but I also feel strong and I know that is what he would want because he worked so hard to give me strength.
I have found that I do feel good when I make it through the night because I feel like I am honoring Mikey the way that he deserves to be honored.
I still miss him though and sometimes this lump in my through gives way and the tears just have to fall. I'm strong but it still hurts because I miss him so much.
Model is Mikey March 7, 2003 - February 16, 2021

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